[UAU: the first day under]

[masokaiser]

[Kaiser wakes up far later than usual. He prefers to rise early, normally -- sleep is for the weak and the dead -- but the events of last night were so draining that he slept straight through his alarm.

He doesn't remember them, when he's first waking up. They don't hit him until he glances around his room, still drowsy and blinking sleep out of his eyes, and sees the briefcase -- still missing one cuff -- lying open on the floor.

He sits up and takes inventory.

- Juudai is in the underground as of last night.
- He's a face.
- He passes out at 800 AP.
- Kaiser is responsible for training this out of him.
- He's staying in Kaiser's apartment.

...wait. Right. This means he has...some kind of host duties, doesn't it...?

He slides out of bed, and rubs his eyes as he walks out of the room in last night's clothing to see just what state Juudai's in.]

Comments

[masokaiser]

[...Fine. He'll engage.]

Because I lost ten times in a row and the Pro Leagues have no room for failures.

[He spits out "lost" and "failures" like they're disgusting, like just pronouncing them is distasteful.]

He told me I could still duel here, so I let him take me down.

[sternitfortem]

You 'let' him?

[ Juudai lets go of his jacket to gesture sweepingly with his arms. ]

So you lost, and you gave up? You fell down and dug yourself a hole instead of standing back up? You're the Kaiser! What, was it your first time losing?

[ Juudai isn't just mad now; he's furious. ]

You know what? You are a failure. You've changed, Kaiser. [ He grits his teeth, swallows hard. ] You've changed for the worse.

[masokaiser]

[He drops his briefcase (he was still clutching it, somehow) on the kitchen floor.]

You think I didn't try? You think I didn't do what I could?

[He hasn't turned around yet. He's just gripping the counter, trying to stay in control.]

I survived.

[sternitfortem]

Survived? Survived?

[ Juudai's shouting now. ]

I almost died!

[ Breathing heavily. His hands are shaking. Shaking hard. ]

[masokaiser]

[It's too much for him.]

Yes. Yes, you almost died.

[He turns around and he's livid, white-faced, he shouts (nearly screams) at Juudai like he needs to hammer the words through his skull--]

You would have died, if I hadn't killed them before they could kill you!

[sternitfortem]

[ Juudai is shaking his head; disbelief and anger and shock war across his face. His face was previously red with anger, but now it's flushed white in some slight horror. ]

You killed them...

[ He had been unconscious for the end of the duel. He had asked, Did we win? And the answer was yes. They'd won. But at what cost?

Two people are dead because of him? ]

How am I -? - am I supposed to be glad?! [ Juudai feels like this is the longest time he's spent angry, ever - he doesn't usually fight with his parents, not much if at all, and any time he's ever been fighting with Shou has usually involved the silent treatment until the mad wore off and the guilty set in. This doesn't feel good or anything, doesn't feel like he's righteous or in the right. This is an ugly, ugly emotion. He hates it, and hating it just makes him more angry. ] You - you've killed people! And I could have died, and you could have died, and...

1/2

[masokaiser]

Yes, I've killed people! Because that's what I had to do! That's what you do when they shove you in a cage and strap a goddamn shock collar to your neck and tell you only one of you is coming out!

[He's walking towards Juudai, and his voice is shaking now, out of anger but also just from remembering.]

It's what happens when they pit you against someone whose deck is stacked so you either win fast or go home in a box! It's what happens when you look down on the floor and you think you're seeing the body of your--of your--

[He doesn't know what to say, what to call him, he's searching for something, anything to make him understand and so he grabs his shirt and pulls him up and

kisses him.]

2/2

[masokaiser]

[...he realizes what he's doing. He lets go, takes a few stumbling steps back, holds his forehead.]

...I can get you out. I just have to...I have to make another deal.

[His head is swimming.]

[1/2]

[sternitfortem]

[ Juudai wasn't sure how many potential retorts he'd had poised on the tip of his tongue. He'll never know, really. They vanish in the instant Kaiser's mouth hits his - and hits really is the proper word for it, they collide with such intensity. It takes Juudai a few seconds (or minutes, or nanoseconds, he's processing time kind of weird right now) to realize what is even happening, what this is: Kaiser holding him by the shirt, pulling him into this kiss that seems to last forever, hard and aching and not actually a shameful in-class daydream but real, realrealreal and it is his.

Juudai can feel Kaiser's hands trembling through his shirt.

And then they break apart and Kaiser is saying I can get you out, and Juudai stands there, struck dumb, struck numb, feeling like he is drowning. Or has already drowned. ]

Don't -

[ The word is tiny as it leaves his mouth, not decisive or strong the way he wanted it.

He grabs Kaiser's arm. ]

I wanted -

[ This is all wrong, it's happening all wrong, Juudai doesn't know what he wants, whether he wants to be angry or to be stoic or to brush it all off with a smile like he used to be able to do (but that was before three hundred volts had scored the fear of death around his neck like a noose), whether he wants to blame Kaiser for not saving him or himself for not saving Kaiser or the both of them for falling into hell, whether he wants to go or - ]

to go with you.

[2/2]

[sternitfortem]

[ And heedless of his own hatred of seeming weak, Juudai buries his face in Kaiser's chest.

Tears don't count if you can't see them, right? ]

I can't leave without you, I can't -

[ The last word is broken in the middle by a rising sob. Juudai stifles it and tries again: ] I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so weak, I'm sorry I'm so scared, I'm sorry...

[masokaiser]

[He doesn't know what to do, doesn't know what to say, Juudai is weeping against him and he won't leave without him and Kaiser feels trapped, relieved for himself but angry with himself because he has never known what to do with someone who's crying.

So he puts his arms around Juudai, his coat folding around him of its own accord, and just...holds him. But it doesn't feel like enough, because Juudai is shaking and sobbing and afraid and he can't help him, he can't actually make anything better for him...

He's afraid. He's baring everything to him. How much did that take out of him? How much must he trust Kaiser, to let it show? How little does Kaiser deserve it?

It's overwhelming, because nobody has given this to him before.]

...it was my first time losing.

[He doesn't know where the words came from, they just came.]

I didn't know what to do.

[...he wants to return his trust.]

[sternitfortem]

And I - I shouldn't have - I'm sorry -

[ Because Juudai wanted to blame someone because it's easier when you can blame someone, even when that someone is the person you're trying to save. Even when that someone is the real victim. Otherwise you have to accept that there are forces out there that can break the strongest among you, even your heroes.

Otherwise you have to accept that maybe you live in a world where there are things you can't defeat, even if you do work hard and take it on the chin and keep on smiling when it's rough.

(Otherwise, the world is a scary, scary place.)



It must have been so scary for Kaiser. To be here, and alone, with the burden of feeling like he was letting them down.

Juudai's arms tighten, but he has quit trying to speak. He's said all the things he really needs to say. Now he's just listening, and weathering the occasional lingering sob that his body is working out of his system. ]

[masokaiser]

[He knows Juudai is listening, but he doesn't know what to say. He thinks of telling him more about that first night, that first duel, but he feels like that would just make it worse. He thinks about telling him what to do, what to expect, but he doesn't want to think about what they're going to have to do. He thinks about trying to tell him it's okay, it'll be fine, but he doesn't even know that, can't guarantee that, can't make him safe.

He holds him tighter and shuts his eyes.]

I wanted you to stay at the Academy.

[His voice is carefully even, and keeping it that way is hard enough that he wants to fall silent, but--]

You deserve better.

[That's all he can take. He stops speaking, and something strange happens to him.

He's still, stable, but every so often his grip tightens, his chest shakes, there's a wet, sharp breath.

It might take Juudai a while to realize that this what it's like when Kaiser cries.]

[sternitfortem]

[ It does take Juudai a while to realize. Because he's never seen Kaiser cry, not once ever.

For a second, he holds Kaiser not more tightly, but more completely, pressing his whole body in instead of just tightening his arms, laying his head to the side of Kaiser's chest. Then he let go a little, enough to look up, to look Kaiser in the face.

Juudai says this with as much conviction as he's ever had: ]

I'll never find better, Kaiser. Ever.

[masokaiser]

[...god, as wrong as he thinks Juudai is, he is so, so glad.

He's seen him, he's known the worst he's done, and he still wants to be..."with him" doesn't sound right, sounds like something Fubuki would say, but it's true. It's true.

And when he held him more closely...that felt good. That felt right. (Not many things feel right for him.)

He leans down to kiss him again, and this time it's not desperate or harsh -- in fact, it's almost halting.]

[sternitfortem]

[ In the space of about thirty-six hours, Juudai has learned more about Kaiser then he ever thought he'd know. Learned what he looks like when he is afraid, what you become capable of when you fall into hell.

And now, perhaps -

Perhaps they have become equals, the both of them. Maybe there's something to be said for not standing, down here. Everyone's the same height when they're crawling to survive. And so -

So Juudai surprises himself by kissing back with more passion than before, when he'd been surprised. More passion, more heart, more heat. Not overpowering, but he lets himself take the initiative, respond eagerly to Kaiser's halting advances.

The two of them, they can live in hell, for a while. ]